NAVY JOKES

A few knee-slappers about Sailors and ships.  Remember, if you like one of these jokes, I made it up.  If you don't like it, I heard it from somebody else.

OOD Board...

An Ensign was sitting his first qualification board for Officer of the Deck at sea.  After several hours of watching the young officer answer difficult questions from the members of the board, the ship's Captain decided to finish off the board by placing the Ensign in a completely hypothetical emergency situation.  "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard side?" he asked.

"Throw out an anchor, Sir," the Ensign replied.

"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"I'd throw out another anchor, Captain."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the Captain.

"Throw out another anchor, Sir," the Ensign said.

"Hold on," said the Captain.  "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

The Ensign smiled.  "From the same place you're getting all those storms, Sir."

The Five Most Dangerous Things You'll Ever Hear in the US Navy...

A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, Sir..."

A Lieutenant (JG) saying, "Based on my experience..."

A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

Shore Duty...

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.  Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.  As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur.  We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch, all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.  Finally, as a Gunny Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam.  We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day, and mortar fire all night.  In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "lucky  bastard!  All shore duty, huh?"

Officer Insignia...

A young Ensign approached a crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well," replied the Master Chief, "the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition.  As an Ensign, we give you a gold bar, representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.  The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade also represents significant value, but is less malleable.  Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.  As a Captain, you soar over the common sailors, hence the eagle.  And when you make Admiral, you are obviously a star.  Does that answer your question?"

"Yes, Master Chief," replied the young Ensign.  "But what about Lieutenant Commanders and Commanders?"

"That, Sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden.  You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

The Genie...

A Petty Officer Second Class, a First Class, and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch.  While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.  The Genie says, "I can only grant three wishes, so I can give each of you just one."

"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class.  "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world."  Poof!  He's gone.

"Me next!" says the First Class.  "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and a beautiful woman."  Poof!  He's gone too.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief.  The Chief cracks a nasty smile and says, "I want those two idiots back on the ship and turning-to, right after lunch."

Lord Nelson...

Standing on the deck of HMS Victory, Lord Nelson glanced up at a lookout high in the rigging and called, "Keep a keen eye out for Spanish sail, my lad.  For today, I feel like a fight."  Soon, the lookout cried, "Sail ho, off the starboard bow!"

Nelson pointed his spyglass in the direction indicated, and - sure enough - there were two Spanish frigates off the starboard bow.  Realizing that his ship was in for a tough fight, Lord Nelson turned to a young officer.  "Ensign, fetch my red coat!" 

A few minutes later, the Ensign returned with the coat.  As he held it out for his Admiral to wear, he said, "Begging your pardon, My Lord, but why do you need your red coat?"

Nelson smiled grimly.  "There'll be much blood spilled today, Son.  And some of it might well be mine.  If it should happen that I am wounded, my red coat will hide the blood.  Then, our own men will take heart from seeing their commander apparently untouched, and our enemies will fear my invincibility."

The Ensign nodded, seeing at once the wisdom of the Admiral's reasoning.  The battle was long and difficult, but Nelson eventually won the day.

A few days later, a lookout shouted down, "Sail ho, off the port beam!"

Nelson pointed his spyglass in the direction indicated, and found himself staring at the entire Spanish Armada.  Hundreds of ships bearing down on his lone ship like angels of death.

Anticipating his Admiral's next order, the young Ensign said, "Shall I fetch your red coat, Sir?"

Nelson nodded.  "Do that, Son.  And while you're at it, fetch me my brown trousers!"

Fighter Jocks...

Q:    How can you tell if there's a fighter pilot at your party?

A:    He'll tell you.

Q:    How can you tell when your date with a fighter pilot is half over?

A:    He says, "But enough about me...  Wanna hear about my plane?"

Q:    What's the difference between a jet engine and a fighter pilot?

A:    A jet engine will stop whining when you shut the plane down.

Old Ironsides...

The USS Constitution, Old Ironsides, as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.   This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea.  However, let it be noted that according to her log:

"On July 22, 1798, the USS Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannonshot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission:  "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, 1798 she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.  Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November, 1798.  She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef, and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.  On 18 November, 1798 she set sail for England.  In the ensuing days, she defeated five British men-of-war, and captured and scuttled 12  English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, 1799 her powder and shot were exhausted.   Nevertheless, although unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland.  Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of a single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.  Then, she headed home.

The USS Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799 with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

Cannibals in the Navy...

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns of World War II.  When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now.  We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating.  So please do not indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later, the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working hard, and I'm very satisfied with every one of you.  However, one of our Chief Petty Officers has disappeared.  Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads.  After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?"  A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You idiot!  For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain, and no one noticed a thing.  And then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"

Computer...

A defense contractor finally succeeded in building a computer capable of solving the most complex naval warfare problems.  The top Navy brass assembled around the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.  They described a complex hypothetical battle situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Should our forces attack or retreat?"

The computer hummed and beeped for about an hour, and finally printed out an answer, "Yes."

The admirals stared at each other, mystified by the response.

Finally, one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"

The computer responded instantly, "Yes, Sir!"

Work or Play...

At a command picnic, a bunch of officers were standing around talking.  A Lieutenant said, "I think that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

A Commander responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that.  I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Then a Captain said, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that.  I would say that it's more like 20% fun and 80% work."

They continued to discuss the matter for several minutes until a Chief Petty Officer walked by.  The officers called the Chief over to ask his opinion.

The Captain said, "Chief, we're having a discussion, and we'd like your input.  The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work.  The CDR thinks that making love is 60% fun and 40% work.  I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work.  What's your opinion?"

The Chief scratched his chin and said, "Sir, I think you're all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you'd have an Enlisted man doing it for you!"

Enlist today...

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC but, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists.  You can't be older than 35 to join the military.  They've got the whole thing backwards.  Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.  For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.  If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission.  "My back hurts!"  "I'm hungry!"  "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink.  An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.  Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food.  We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles.  We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however.  I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.   I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Drop and give me...er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy.  I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.  He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out.  He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.  All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to war.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11.  The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

-- Author Unknown

Waiting for God...

A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.  He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God.  Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.  I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent.  You could have heard a pin drop.  Ten minutes went by.  Again the Professor taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God!  I'm still waiting!"

His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face.  The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor.

At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently.  The class fell silent... waiting.

Eventually, the Professor came to.  When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row.  "What's the matter with you?  Why on earth did you do that?"

The Marine smiled.  "God was busy.  He sent me."

*     *     *

(Okay...  This one is actually a Marine joke, but we liked it anyway.)

E-Male...

A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning from deployment a day early. Arriving home, he found his wife with another man. Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the Navy Lodge to decide what to do next. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.

"Bill" she said, "I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode."

"This I’ve got to hear," the Sailor said.

"It was an honest mistake," the mother-in -law said. " She never got your e-mail!"

Trouble...

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts." The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.

The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts."

The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first.  The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink ‘before the trouble starts.’

After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes.  Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?"

The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

Sales Pitch...

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.  The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated:

"If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."

"Now...    Which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

*     *     *

Thanks to Mary S. for this one.  She continues to send us good stuff from time to time.

Got a joke you'd like to see here?  Send us an email and we'll try to post it.