I have to start out by saying that we didn’t mean to steal the elephant.  It just sort of happened…

I was stationed aboard USS Towers (DDG-9) in the late 80’s.  We were home ported in Yokosuka, Japan, and - back in those days - forward deployed ships made a lot of port visits to Thailand.

My ship pulled into Phuket, Thailand, in 1987 or 1988, and - true to the nature of squids in those days - my buddies and I got liquored-up fairly quickly after hitting the beach.  If you have ever been to Thailand, you know that vendors wander the streets with strange animals in tow, selling photo opportunities to tourists.  For about fifty Baht, you could have your picture taken with a monkey wrapped around your neck, or an enormous boa constrictor draped over your shoulders, or a falcon perched on your wrist.  On this particular visit, we encountered a man selling photo sessions with a baby elephant.

Watching from the comfort of an open air bar, my buddies and I determined two things…  First, that the baby elephant was incredibly cute, and…  Second, that the poor little thing was hungry.  The vendor carried a sack of green bananas, but he wouldn’t feed the baby elephant until someone stopped to pose with it.  I guess that food was the man’s way of controlling the elephant’s behavior.

We felt sorry for the little guy, so we departed the bar and walked to the nearest street corner, where a little old Thai lady was cooking monkey meat on a stick and frying up green bananas.  We bought all the bananas she had in stock, and asked her not to cook them.

Armed with our own sack of green bananas, we crept up behind the vendor and began feeding his elephant behind his back.  After a while, he caught us in the act, and screamed at us in Thai until we walked away.

The moment his back was turned, we crept up behind him again and resumed our feeding of the baby elephant.  Pretty soon, the little guy had emptied the sack, and we walked away - feeling pretty good about ourselves for helping out the baby elephant.

We got perhaps two blocks up the street when we heard shouting.  We looked up in time to see a Thai policeman cutting through traffic to cross the street toward us.  He was moving fast, and he did not look pleased.  At first, we weren’t even sure that we were the focus of his attention.  After all, we weren’t really doing anything wrong.

Just before the cop reached us, we heard more shouts coming from behind us.  We turned around, to attempt to identify the source, and there was the baby elephant.  The little guy had followed us up the street, probably hoping for more bananas.  His owner was at least a block behind us, but covering ground fast.

As I mentioned, we had a had a couple of drinks, which in no way endeared us to the policeman.  Add to that the fact that we had (to all appearances) walked away with a local man’s elephant.  Not good.  It quickly became apparent that my buddies and I were about to see the inside of a Thai jail.  I didn’t know the penalty for elephant-napping, but judging from the demeanor of the Thai policeman, we were about to have a close encounter with a cattle prod.

We pooled the cash in our pockets, and offered to make amends for our mistake by paying the vendor for about ten photos each.  The vendor accepted, and we were allowed to go free as soon as we forked over the cash.

I only got six photos, instead of the ten that I’d paid for, and half of those were either poorly-framed, or under exposed.  I didn’t complain.  Those pictures kept me out of a Thai prison.  I’ll call it even…